Sasapin Siriwanij / Pupe, 32, Bangkok, Thailand

 

My name is Sasapin Siriwanij. In Thailand where I was born and live, everybody also has a nickname that's given from birth like first names. And the nickname is Pupe. 

 

I'm currently 32 years old. 

 

I'm a theater artist. I'm realizing and feeling surprised almost daily of how I am actually becoming a grown person. An adult. Someone who other people could look up to. Someone with some significant responsibilities. It's a surprise because it's very easy to feel as if you're not "old" enough in this society. Especially when I'm a small woman without a "real job." It's hard to feel I've actually worked and become something when I don't have the conventional benchmarks like a salary, promotion, or job title. 

 

Work-wise, I feel pretty good as a 30 something. Feeling-wise, I feel much younger, and feel good about it too.

 

At this point, I have been through a long and healthy relationship, a huge heartbreak that got me depressed for a couple of years, a period of romantic adventures, self-disappointment that led to self-development until I am where I am today. 

 

I was at odds with my own feelings towards my family. In my culture it is okay to stay with your family even though you're old enough to work and all. In my family, it is encouraged that family members stick together e.g living together in the same place. So here I am, sharing an apartment with another two adults who are my siblings, all in their 30's. We just had this new apartment two years ago, and that was the first time in my life that I had my own separate room.

 

Body-wise, of course there has been a big change. I cannot be that skinny girl anymore, and, as much as I hate it, I struggle everyday to get back to it. It's very hard to fight casual judgments that are made several times daily by people you meet and all these unmistakable LED commercial screens and billboards everywhere. I feel like I never have a break from being told I shouldn't look the way I look. All my good friends constantly talk about losing weight. My mom greeted me after my summer trip in Europe with "Wow, you're fat and dark." 

 

Being past thirty has helped me to not give a fuck a lot more. It's the point where I'm conscious of aging and the passing of time. And not giving a fuck is somehow time management. I select only things I care about and invest energy and time in these things and not others. I got really good at it now, although I fight daily with the natural tendency to give too many fucks to useless things still.  

 

I've also attached the most recent photo of me, being 32, fat and dark by Thai standards, still not having a real job, and loving it. :)

 

Pupe